Oracle 2018.....what just happened?

Well. here it is again.  Sitting here at my computer reflecting on another DNF, dammit, no finish, again.  However, this has another side of the story.

This all begins back in November.  I have been struggling with a couple major things in my life.  My weight and having to poop all the time when I run.  I have been that way ever since I ran in school.  As I began to run longer distances, I pooped more.  I can take Imodium and it will slow it down some, but not always.  Sometimes, it is not an issue.  Sometimes, it is a major issue.  In November I had a friend talk to me about the Ketogenic diet which helps tremendously with the poop issue and running.  Plus, you drop some weight too.  Sounds like a win-win situation for me.

So, the Monday following Thanksgiving I changed my Way of Eating to the Ketogenic diet.  I have no regrets.  I have lost over 25 pounds, feel better and overall my sleep and mood are better.  As for the running, I definitely poop less too.  However, it is a whole different ball game with nutrition management and running.

I have done several long runs trying out different things with many varied results.  I learned that I need to keep my electrolytes high.  I learned that you have to eat even though you aren't hungry.  I have learned a lot.  This race taught me more then I could have imagined, to say the least.  The basis behind the Keto diet is it is very low carb and high fat until your body becomes fat adapted and functions off of the fat storage.  You end up not being hungry 90% of the time and can function on pretty low carbs.  My first long run I did, I ran 7 miles without any nutrition then successfully bonked.  I learned about electrolytes from that one.  The next one I had electrolytes, some peanut butter, macadamia nuts, pickles and some blackberries and I was fine.  No poops, had plenty of energy and felt great.  Did another run with the same combo and had some poops but I think it was something I ate as I was poor the rest of the day.  So, I thought I would be okay for race day with that combo.  Oh thoughts and plans....

I had also been drinking powerade zero which I added Mio drops of electrolytes in to make it more of an electrolyte power drink.  It tasted pretty strong, but thought I would be okay with sipping on that every couple of miles and eating my snacks.

Race planning involves not only what clothes to wear but involves your drop bags.  We knew it would be cold in the morning, so there was a drop bag for the cold weather clothes.  For mountain view aide station, we know that we needed our hiking sticks and extra water for the last 13 miles before the cut off; so we came up with the idea to put an already packed pack with hydration bladder filled, nutrition etc. then we would move our bladders from our regular packs over so we would have two full water bladders and wouldn't run out of water.  It was a fantastic plan, which would save us a lot of time and we wouldn't run out of water like we did the year prior.  We also had a bag for Tiger Mine Aid station with warm clothes and headlamps as we knew that when we would get into Tiger Mine by the cutoff that the remaining 4 miles would be very slow and take us into darkness.  We had everything all planned out.  Every success, begins with a plan, all that was left was the execution of said plan.

We went to Packet Pick up at summit hut and saw our good friend Matt Nelson, the Executive Director of the Arizona Trail there who is always excited to see "The Trapps".  We told him how poorly Kevin was feeling.  He had come down with a bad cold and been home sick the last two days.  He doesn't call in sick and when he does, it is bad.  I was so worried about him for the race.  I was worried he would get worse.  Matt wished us luck and knew we would do great this year.  We did too, sort of.

We stayed the night before the race and the night of the race at a place called Rancho Robles which is a really cool place with so much character and charm.  We got a room called Chiefs House which was awesome, we had a nice big heater and it was set up like an apartment with a seating area and full kitchen.  Really nice place. We had originally had another room but when we checked in we got this one.  Kevin had bought a microwave to bring for heating up bacon and oatmeal for the morning, turns out we didn't need it, so it will be returned to the store. On the day before race day I didn't get off of work until later then I expected so we didn't get in until 6 pm.  We got everything unloaded and went into town to the Oracle Inn for dinner.

At the Inn we saw our friends Susan and Bob.  Susan was doing her first 50 miler and Bob was volunteering at an aide station.  We chatted with them for a little bit then we saw our other friends, Michelle, Steve and another fella.  They are the race directors and have been working so hard to make this event a success.  They said they made some changes from the year before, we asked if they put in bridges over all those hills, they did not.  Hmmm, okay.  I said we have made some changes too for a better day tomorrow.  We all had a chuckle and Kevin and I headed to the table.

I ordered some grilled chicken and vegetables and Kevin had some chicken fingers and fries.  Also this warm loaf of bread showed up with honey butter.  I had one tiny little bite, it was divine!! I didn't want to upset my stomach though so I said I would have more at dinner after the race.

We headed back to the room and got everything organized and laid out for race day.  We watched a Red Box movie on the computer, House Rules which was pretty funny.  Then we headed to bed to try to sleep.  I woke up right before the alarm with the standard oh crap we missed the alarm feeling.  Neither one of us slept much, we never do before a race.

I made my coffee, heated up some bacon and grabbed my bag of peanut butter to eat on the bus ride to the start.  Kevin had his oatmeal and a coke.  We pulled into the area we needed to park and gathered all our bags to make the trek to the finish and pre-race area.  I used the toilet and felt pretty good about the day.  We got our timing chips and chatted with Susan and Bob and we saw Noah and Chris there who were doing the 50K.  Everyone was in nervous but high spirits, all of complaining of the cold.  It was way warmer this year though then last year.

Eventually we were able to load on the bus, we were a little late loading and got stuck with the seat that the wheel well is in, so it was a little tight for the long bus ride ahead.  I had good intentions of drinking a poweraide and eating my peanut butter, but it was so cold on the bus and I just huddled up in a ball to keep warm.

We arrived to the start and everyone darts out of the bus to the bushes to go to the bathroom of course.  I thought I was going to pee my pants on the bus.  I swear I peed like a gallon.  I thought well this is a great start, good pee, good poo.  I am ready.  We took our warm layer off and put it in the truck Matt was driving, I ate most of my peanut butter, it was hard to swallow as it was frozen.  We shared the poweraide and we lined up for the starting preparations.  Chris and Noah were freezing and Chris said, why didn't I just sign up for the half marathon!!!  They were shooting for a 7 hour finish.

Matt sent us off with a shotgun blast and off we shuffled.  As we ran by him he shouted go Trapps and gave me a high five.

I couldn't feel my feet, they were so cold and numb from the odd position in the bus and just cold.  I had on a short sleeve shirt and two long sleeve shirts, my run skirt and a pair of tights.  I had said, I can't feel my toes and a guy running by said I assure you they are still there. We also had on some of our cheap knit gloves that if we lost one it would be okay.  Kevin had the gopro on for the day, so we were set, all that was left was the execution and THE HILLS.

Shortly after we started I had my first technical problem.  My sock was weird on my little pinky toe.  I tried to adjust it and then I had to take it off and investigate.  It was a rogue string all balled up.  Note, taking off toe socks and having to put them on while balancing on one leg on the side of the trail is dumb.  Off we went.  On a good note, we made it a mile further then last years technical problem.

The first 9 or so miles are MOSTLY downhill.  There are a few little (not little) climbs in there.  Kevin worked out a plan for us so we could try to bank as much time as we could for the latter part, which is the hardest part.  When we first started out we were running at a 9:55 pace, what the heck, we are out of control.  Kevin pulled us back.  We needed to keep a pace that was 15 min or less.  That is always on my mind, what is the pace.  We were doing pretty good.  Mile 2 we were over because of the stupid sock. Mile 5 has a hill.  Mile 7 has a hill that looks like on the course elevation it is flipping you off, kind of feels that way.  Then at mile 9 is the first aide station, Beehive Well and my first poo stop.  This is pretty funny actually.  Kevin had the go pro on and didn't realize it was still on.  I was using the nature potty they set up and it was sans paper.  So I called out and he came to the rescue.  oops, camera is on. Here is the video.

Beehive Aide Station 

I ate some pickles there after my business and tried to eat a handful of almonds, but they just gummed up in my mouth and I spit them out.  I knew we had a quick climb right out of the aide station that I particularly hate, then it is followed by another until you can get into a groove again.  It goes pretty steady downhill until these bursts of steep climbs that kick your butt.

Bullshit Hill

It is always the focus to keep your mind set on Mountain View for a myriad of reasons.  At that aide station we had our sticks which will help with pulling up the climbs that are ahead and it is a sign that it is the last aide station before the cut-off and the half way point.  I always enjoy getting to this one.  Along the way I was struggling though.  I wasn't wanting any of my food, wasn't hungry and none of it was appealing.  I wasn't drinking as often as I should have of my electrolytes, it just tasted bad.  I told Kevin I was struggling to keep the pace up and I was mentally in a bad place.  We got some salt tabs in, I drank some water, ate a few macadamia nuts and I started listening to my music.  Music is always that last resort as I gain so much peace from the trail.  It was a lot of miles with no words, just drive and focus. 

It is hard to get too lost in your pain when surrounding area is just so amazing.

Top of big hill, views are amazing

Just keep climbing and stay focused

I knew we were off pace.  When we pulled into Beehive we were a little ahead, when we left and were climbing up one of those two hills Kevin said we lost the gains we had made up to that point.  Mentally, I was struggling with that.  I thought we were doing really well.  All the way to Mountain View I knew we would be having the conversation of do we continue or not.  It is always in your mind too that we are in the middle of nowhere.....

Middle of nowhere

We were getting close and Kevin said we could quit now and I could blame it on my cold.  I said, no. There was no further discussion.  He was ready to be done.

We got into mountain view and sometimes you just hope for a miracle at an aide station.  I received one and it was in a little wrapper, on the outside was written Jolly Rancher.  I said I am in a ketogenic diet and I am depleted, what can I do.  I thought about drinking some tailwind.  I drank a cup of coke.  Then Pam was putting a baggy of stuff together and another guy said try sucking on the jolly ranchers and it will be a slow trickle of carbs instead of a spike.  I liked that idea and Pam put together a baggy with jolly ranchers and some skittles.  I asked Kevin to figure out our pace and he said we have to stay under 20 ,min per mile.  We had planned around 23 min per as worst case and that slipped away.  Pam said it is basically a half marathon in 4 hours, that seemed doable and realistic.  Okay, lets do this.  Kevin said, just how far is it as he thought it was 12 and the guy said maybe 12.8, the .8 is a big difference.  As we pulled out, Kevin said, we are fucked if it is 12.8 and we trudged on straight uphill.

This is the last video we took.  We were headed into some rough times the last 13 miles before the cut off and it was a struggle to stay focused and on trail.

Oh these damn hills

Having the sticks does make a difference if you are a poor climber and hill runner as I am.  I need to get better at it and I will.  But, being able to apply your upper body power and lower body moves you forward a lot quicker if your leg strength is poor.  I was determined to get us there.  I was armed with jolly ranchers and sticks and we blasted off.  Mile 17 was 21 but the next 5 miles were under 20.  At mile 21-22 ish is where the big deception begins for me.  I know that upcoming we go downhill to the wash and out 5 times.  But, we started this climb and it would go down a little and climb again and I thought these were part of the washing cycle game.  Then I started trying to count them and asked Kevin and he said, WE HAVEN'T EVEN BEGAN THEM!!"  What?  I am sorry, but what?  Then somewhere along the way we would "rock the downhills" as Kevin said we should do and just before a climb I would eat some jam in a ziplock bag, drink some water and climb.  I would rest part way and drink more water.  Put another jolly rancher in and climb and jog in tiny elfish steps down and repeat.  I wanted to sit down a thousand times.  I was so tired.  I knew at some point you could see Tiger Mine, but I couldn't see it.  It disappeared.  I was confused.  But I wanted to get there and every so many steps I would look at my watch and see how much further, how much longer, how close are we.  I was so determined and so tired. Mile 23, 24 were 22 min, mile 25 was 20, 26 was 23, 27 was 22.

I had several jolly ranchers and some bags of jam and 3 skittles since Mountain View.  I drank 70 ounces of water like I was in a drought.  The jolly ranchers made my mouth really dry and hurt.  I couldn't eat anything else.  I was taking salt tabs that Kevin was making sure I was taking.  Every time I stopped to catch my breath and refocus I was losing my balance and Kevin would get a hold of me and put me back on the trail.  I knew I was losing my balance a little, but, I thought I was tired.  I was sweating a lot, I thought it was just really hot.  I was drinking a lot of water, I thought I was dehydrated.  Then.  This happened.

Around 27.4 ish miles, about a mile from the cut-off at 8:15 into the race, I mumbled something to Kevin and said, this is happening.  I held onto my sticks and sat straight down like a little kid with my legs kicked out in front of me.  I was so tired. Kevin thought I was just taking a rest.  Then I said to him, just get my phone, facebook and I will tell you what to type.  He said what, I said, Matt.  Michelle.  Todd.  he knew Todd was the medic and he said, are you having a stroke, jokingly from the commercials we see on TV.  I said Yes.  He asked if I needed medical attention, I said YES  He said I am going to go up the trail and get help, okay.  I sat there looking straight out in front of me at what I thought were people down the trail from where we came and I thought he was talking to them, then I realized it was a cow and some cactus.  He had left me with my poweraide bottle between my legs and told me to drink it but I didn't understand.  I thought the bottle was my phone and I was trying to use it to call Kevin and tell him it is a cow and cactus, he should ask for help somewhere else.  I held onto that poweraide bottle so hard I bruised the insides of my legs by the way.  I was so fuzzy and confused and weak.

This is the bottle, it is definitely not a phone.
I was struggling to stay sitting up, like when you are really drunk or really tired and you are fighting to stay alert and awake.  I was swaying from side to side.  Then I heard footsteps and it was Kevin, he was back.  I asked him what was wrong with me.  By then my speech had become slurred and I was even more confused and out of it.  I said I think I am having a stroke and I went through movements we do to see if people are having a stroke.  I had him check my strength in both hands, my tongue movement, my ability to swallow all these things and I could do them, but it was hard to do and slow moving.  It was like I had been drugged.  I wasn't seeing things right. I did tell him to stop my garmin though, I wanted credit for getting that far.

Here is my heart rate according to my garmin. You can guess where things really went South.

When Kevin had left to get help he went about 1/2 mile to 3/4 mile up the trail and found some trail maintenance guys who were able to radio for help.  He had ran up there on adrenaline and he walked back thinking he didn't go that far.  He would think I was there around every turn and I wasn't there.  He was so worried I had wondered off trail and rolled down the hills.  Eventually he found me of course, but the panic he was going through was very scary.

After some time the girl we helped get a cactus out of her finger passed by and she said the sweepers were behind her.  The sweepers showed up and Pam was with them who is a nurse.  I couldn't recognize or understand who she was, I was so confused.  Somebody had put a backpack behind me to lay on.  Pam was trying to get help to get the medic to me.  She was trying to check my heart rate everything she could do.  She was getting me to eat some cranberries which at the time looked like cockroaches.  All the colors around me were so vibrant, I thought I was on drugs.  I kept saying to Kevin my fingers are glowing.  I thought I was having a heart attack, I thought it was food poisoning, I thought it was kidney stones because my back hurt and Kevin said, you are lying on rocks that is why your back hurts.  I was cramping up so bad.  I mean I went from power hiking to no movement at all.  I was nauseous and someone gave me a ginger chew, I think it wasn't the candied kind and it burned my mouth and I spit it out.  Everyone thought I was dehydrated and Kevin said that isn't possible as she has had at least 100 oz water by that point in the last 9-10 miles.  I was so whacked out, I was saying how bright my fingers were, they were trying to get my pack off and get a shirt on me and I was trying to help but was doing everything opposite of helping.

Someone showed up with a bag with some snacks in it which included a boiled egg, which was the funniest thing and made no sense at all.  Wish we had a picture of it!!

We got another salt tab in me and I was eventually starting to come around.  By this time someone brought a space blanket and regular blankets to cover me up as it was getting cold.  Pam was a shivering mess and I was worried about her and told her to come spoon with me under the blanket.  We laughed about it and it is a great picture. 

The main problem with having no strength or ability to control my movements is how the heck am I going to get to the trailhead.  It isn't accessible by vehicle or 4 wheeler.  Should a helicopter be brought in, where am I going.

I was worried and pissed off about everything.  We were so close, so close to getting there to the cut off.  We had, well I had planned to get through the aide station and then sit down and rest for awhile so we could finish the race.  That was the plan I had in my head before I collapsed.  Kevin had the plan that he wouldn't let me continue due to all of the almost falls and how wiped I was.  But my fierce determination to get to the finish would have killed me most likely.  My body just said no more and forced me to stop.

Kevin knew I was going to be okay when I was starting to worry about everyone out there.  I was worried about Pam being cold, I was worried about the trail maintenance guy, was worried about the other sweepers out there.

I was more then a million things, worried about my amazing husband.  The timing of me collapsing like this couldn't be worse as next week is the anniversary of Ben's death, he doesn't need this level of worry about me.  We have so many plans for our future.  It isn't time for me to go.  This can't be the end.  I was devastated that I caused us another DNF when I pushed so hard to get us there and changed my entire way of eating to make me better and faster.  I failed in drinking too much water.  I failed not drinking the electrolytes.  I failed in not forcing myself to eat.  I failed us.  I was so tired I couldn't even cry but feel devastated at all this mess I was causing due to my failures.

Through out the hour I was laying there I kept trying to move my legs, if I could move them and have control of them then I know I can stand up and walk out of here.  Pam and Kevin said we should wait for Todd to check my vitals before I stood up.  Todd showed up and my vitals checked out okay, my heart rate had returned to my normal rate.  I wasn't slurring, I had control of movements.  He gave me an electrolyte power shot and it was enough to bring my balance back to stand up.  Kevin said it was like a deer standing up for the first time.  I was shaky but I was okay.  I asked for my sticks and I could hold myself up better.  My vertigo was giving me some issues, but I was okay if I focused down on the ground below.  Kevin went up ahead with one of the sweeper people to go to get the truck to have at the trailhead.  So Todd, another person and Pam and I made our way back to the trailhead.  Pam told me to slow down a few times even.  Stupid determination.

I literally felt I faced death and an end to running (which is like death) and an end to our adventures.  I thought I was going to die on that trail.  I didn't.  I came around and walked out on my own.  The body is an amazing thing.  I looked around and took in the amazing sunset in those hills and I am so grateful for life.  Simply, life.  I am so blessed with a body that pushed to its limit, survived and was able to walk again.  I am blessed by an amazing husband who is with me every step of the way, every day.  His strength and resilience is awe inspiring and inspires me daily to be better at being human, every single day.  He is my rock, my heart, my everything.  We have been through so many adventures together.  We could never had imagined what happened, did.  But, from all that we have been through we could be calm and problem solve this out and deal with what comes.  I know that even if it had been a stroke, he would be there.  I know that if this was the end of our running, he would be there.  To have that level of love and support in not just a life partner, but a running partner-it is phenomenal and priceless.

I am without the right words in saying how grateful I am of Pam Hoyt who took such good care of me and helped get us help.  She is such an angel and I had divine intervention with her coming to my aide.  She stayed side by side with me to the trailhead and we talked and it helped me not think about how sore I was from laying there for an hour.  She is always a perfect grace to see at an aide station in making sure you have all you need.  She said she was rooting for us to finish this year.  What a blessing she is to us.

I am also so grateful to Todd Nardi the medic who hiked in to help me and got me the electrolytes I needed to recover and walk out.  He checked in with me every few minutes to make sure I was okay.  He is at all our ultra races and helps so many people out.  He is a blessing to our community.

As we walked out over the bar into the trailhead Pam hustled me to sit down and put a blanket on me and had one of the volunteers get me something hot to drink.  My mouth was still sore but the warm tea was comforting.  Todd gave me another electrolyte shot too. Kevin was there, he hadn't left to get the truck yet.  We had our timing chips cut off.  Here we were again, not finishing the last 4 miles, again.  I was such a mix of emotions.  Sad and grateful.  Michelle showed up and talked with us.  She would have let us continue had we made it in.  We were so close.  So fricking close.  I told her we are done trying, we are volunteering from here on out.

Here is a few pics of heading out from where I collapsed and from coming into the trailhead.

We got a ride from Todd to the truck and we needed to drive it down the hill to get all of our bags.  For the second year in a row we walked through the finish line, holding hands, going to get our bags and no finishers horseshoe.  I am very sad about it, I know however I put it all out there.  I pushed as hard as I could.  I also know the mistakes I made and I am going to make sure that never happens again.  It is the unique thing about ultra running.  No two races are the same, even on the same course.  Things happen within and without your control.  Falls happen.  Fatigue.  Puke. Poop. Tears. Dehydration. Over hydration. Malnutrition to a point.  It happens.  What also happens is magical.  Sometimes you have a race that goes to perfection.  That is one of the challenges to get to that perfection.  Recognizing of course, that perfect race is rare and not to set yourself up for that.

We knew what we were up against for this.  We upped our training and we were a lot stronger this race then last until I collapsed.  We were doing great.  We knew there is always the chance of not making it, but there was the outside chance we would--which I clung to to power through.  We also go into races with an A, B and C goal.  A was blasting through it without issues, coming into the cut off way ahead and finishing before dark.  B was beating our last DNF time.  C was finishing and getting a horseshoe.  last year it took us 9:16 to get to Tiger Mine.  I collapsed with one mile to go at 8:15, we were on track to beat B and on our way to a possible C.  But, things happen and we don't quite get there.  I had Kevin stop my watch when we were laying there, I wanted credit for as far as I made it.  I joked that I should have started it again on the way back.  Speaking of the way back, I honestly thought we were taking some other way out, it wasn't familiar to me at all and it really speaks a lot to how far off I was in thinking where I thought we were vs the reality.

When we drove back and made our way through the finish line, not finishing, we gathered our packs and ran into Matt.  He gave me a big hug and said how sorry he was we didn't make it and how glad he was that I was okay.  He had said when I was at packet pick up I look healthy and strong and thought we would kill it this year.  We thought so too.  We told him we would be volunteering next year.  He shared that he was at the point I was once and it is scary and he was able to come back from it too.  Makes you feel better hearing others have the same things happen.

We got a bowl of soup and a quesadilla and headed back to the car to get some dinner and home to the room.  We ran into Pam along the way and I gave her a hug and she was just so happy I was okay.  Man what a day.  We stopped at the Oracle Inn to get a take out dinner of a burger and a patty melt and some of this yummy bread and a piece of cheesecake.  It was going to take awhile and I just wanted to get home and shower.  I was beat.

Kevin brought me back to the Chiefs place and I peeled off my suit of armor and washed the day away.  Let me tell you, the state of my feet were something else.  The push going down those hills was a lot of pressure on the toes.  Wow.  Kevin said they look like dead people feet. 

My hair which I wore in a braid was sans pony tail holder and it was a bunched up squirrels nest.  Wow, what a mess.  I pulled out leaves and sticks out of it.  I am pretty bruised up from the rocks I was laying on.  I have never been so sore following a race because of stopping and laying down for an hour unable to move.  I am so sore.

When Kevin got back he jumped in the shower and ran out of hot water.  I felt so bad.  We tried to eat our dinner and we both only had a few bites.  We weren't hungry, not even for that bread.  We shared the cheesecake though.  Off to bed and we were out pretty quick.  I had developed a cough, which I always do and was up coughing a lot as was Kevin from his cold.  I woke up every couple of hours finding myself thinking about the events of the day and when I collapsed.  I just kept replaying the day on what I should have done different.  Here is what I came up with.  Nothing, because without going through this I would have never known my limit or what to do.  I say that on one hand and the other says the following:

1.  Electrolytes mixed in with my water since I seem to drink so much water, then it will assure I get them in.
2.  Fuel every 2 miles even if it is 100 calories or less.  No negotiation.  Considering Ucan as a product to sustain.
3.  Salt tabs on the hour, no changes.
4.  Listen to the body always.
5.  Push the pace, but not your health
6.  Be forgiving when you fail
7.  Don't be afraid to laugh at yourself when you fall to peices
8.  Smile even if you are dying
9.  Never give up on anything you want
10. The power of perseverance and positive relentless forward progress will take you to amazing places.  It is up to you to step out and try and not hide inside and be shy.

When I shared what happened on Facebook I had a lot of people not understand why we do this.  Why push yourself to this level.  Why make your feet look all mashed up.  Why get chaffing.  Why do any of it.  Simple, I would take running a marathon on the trail over any Netflix marathon from the couch.  I would take getting lost on the trail and not in my car listening to a gps to make a u-turn.  I prefer to watch the sunrise and sunset in person and not on a tv or a pic on social media.  I gain a level of respect for mother nature and all her beauty even when she is mad and stabs us with pokey things, I don't gain that respect watching the weather channel or looking out the window.  I encompass peace with my soul out there on the trail watching the birds flutter about, the crunch of the rocks below, the silence of a deer staring back, the glow of the sun on the day, the rhythmic breathing of my exertion, the moments of hearing the wind blow through the leaves and spines of a saguaro, all of these bring me more peace and joy with my soul then dressing up on Sunday for church.  Being able to go where people only ever see on a map and knowing that path by heart because I walked, ran, hiked on it is far better then on a plane flying from point a to b.  I do this for us.  We need this peace in our lives to calm the storms of life.  A life of grief.  A life of doubts, sadness, anger, disappointments, uncertainty.  Out on the trail going on these long races and adventures, grief is manageable and not overwhelming, doubts are erased and replaced with reasons and solutions, sadness fades to happiness, anger turns to action and disappointments turn to plans to turn it around.  Is it hard on the body, yes it is.  But, when I die, I don't want to die all preserved within a body full of regrets.  I want to die with a body that went sliding into the grave saying what a hell of a ride.  Our life's purpose is to live it to the fullest and that is what we will always do.

Damian got some good pics of us out on the course.

 I am raising my sticks up in the air.

Some pics from the area in the morning and this little cat we named it Rumble, it got most of our dinner from the night before we couldn't eat.

So much as we will be doing Oracle 2019!!  We will not let this race beat us.  It is a hard damn race, but so are we.  We have all the tools, we need to work on the execution and take a chance on us.  We had good intentions of volunteering, but after a night of rest and analyzing things, we decided over and omelet and a pancake and tears that we will be back.  Third time is a charm right?

So we have added the race bibs to last years on our mirror to keep us motivated.

Funny thing, on the way there we heard this song and it was kind of a song that you hear and chuckle about.  Then it comes back to you during the race.  Then as we left the Chiefs place on the way to get breakfast it was playing again.  Kevin is with me every step and I will be with him always.  The Trapps will be back.

Every Little Step

Bobby Brown

Good lovin'
Ow, yeah

I can't sleep at night, I toss and turn ( we were tossing and turning for the race)
Listenin' for the telephone
But when I get your call I'm all choked up
Can't believe you called my home
And as a matter of fact, it blows my mind
You would even talk to me
Because a girl like you is a dream come true
A real life fantasy

No matter what your friends try to tell ya
We were made to fall in love
And we will be together, any kind of weather (freezing cold or hot)
It's like that, it's like that

Every little step I take
You will be there
Every little step I make
We'll be together

Every little step I take
You will be there
Every little step I make
We'll be together

I can't think too straight, I'm all confused (that was me on the trail)
You must've put a thing on me
Because there aren't no words that can explain
I'm livin' in ecstasy
And you…

I can't think too straight, I'm all confused
You must've put a thing on me
Because there aren't no words that can explain
I'm livin' in ecstasy
And you can best believe, I got ya back
You never have to feel no pain
'Cause I'd dedicate my life to you
You'll never look for love again

No matter what your friends try to tell ya
We were made to fall in love
And we will be together, any kind of weather
It's like that, it's like that

Every little step I take
You will be there
Every little step I make
We'll be together

Every little step I take
You will be there
Every little step I make
We'll be together

Every little, woo!
Every little step I. (every little step)
Every little, every little step I take

Every little.
Every little step I (every little step)
Every little, we'll be together girl

Good lovin'
Good lovin'

No matter what your friends try to tell ya
We were made to fall in love
And we will be together, any kind of weather
It's like that, it's like that (Girl!)

Every little step I take
You will be there
Every little step I make
We'll be together

Oracle Rumble 2017--stumbled our way to 28

There are lessons in life that should be followed.

1--Don't make decisions running downhill
2--Don't do math while running
3--Don't sign up for a race while on a high of doing well from another

I break all of these on a regular basis.  It was from these life lessons how we landed with doing the Oracle Rumble 50K on 28 Jan 2017.

It all began right after the Colossal Vail 50/50.  Where we finished the 55K an hour faster then the year before.  I found out about the Oracle Rumble event before the 50/50 consisting of a 10K, half marathon, 50K and 50 miler.  I was so excited for another race, another challenge.  I was super high on life and I am almost 100% positive I made the decision that we should do this race while running downhill.  I was at first interested in doing the 50 miler, but I was concerned on the lack of information on the terrain, elevation etc, so I just opted that we do the 50K.  Kevin states after telling me a million times no on the 50 miler. He said he would do the 50K but I was on my own for the 50 miler.  Kevin forever tells me I am fired from making decisions.  Keep that in mind.

So I registered us for the race.  We were excited to be able to be "closer" to training for it vs the 50/50 and we planned out our first training run for this race a week after the 50/50.

We drove to Tiger Mine Trailhead and set off for an "easy" out and back for 10 miles.  For one, it took us a good hour and half to get there.  For two, it wasn't easy.  It was awful.

We chose to run the 5 mile stretch that would be the hardest for the race as it is right before the cut off point.  Seemed like a good idea.  We started out and Kevin said, if we were doing the 50 miler I would divorce you.  It is a particular part of the course where you go down to the wash and climb back out.  3 big washes, a cattle pond and a small wash, that is 5 down and up if you are counting.  I had hoped that well maybe it was hard because it was just a week after the 50/50.  I was disillusioned as usual on how hard it was and was so willing to make an excuse for the difficulty vs the reality.  I had at some point stated, at least it is not steep.  Yeah right.

Due to how long it took to get there we eventually made a decision to do all of our training closer to home to maximize the time we have to train which is limited for long runs on Sundays due to child care commitments.  We have to be done and home by 1:30-2pm.  This a variable to keep in mind that makes training very hard.  The rest of our running is separate from each other unless it is a race we can do.  It is our "alone time" our dates.  It is something we are used to, but the Holidays made it extra challenging.

We came up with the plan that we would train on Wasson Peak as much as possible.  It was a tough climb and technical enough to run back down.  I was also doing hill repeats in the morning before work at a steep hill near our house too.  All this had to help us to get stronger.  We trained in the very, very cold rain and wind, we trained in fair conditions, we trained with our hiking poles and without.  We however didn't train intensely enough.  We didn't push hard enough.  We didn't commit to it as much as we should have.  We underestimated the 'rolling hills'.  We have kindly learned our lesson.

In any event in life, hindsight is 20/20.  The should have, could have, wished etc, it always comes to light afterwards.

Along the way in training, Kevin told me he isn't doing ultras anymore.  He just wants to do half Ks as he calls them, just half marathons.  He hates the time commitment it takes to train.  He has always hated to train.  But, you have to.  It is mostly the time of the year, you have to train through the holidays.  When he told me he was done with ultras, I was so very sad.  I love them.  I love the training.  I love our time out there together.  I didn't want to do this alone.  I was so sad.  But, the race is still going to happen and we still have to train.

We had organized a training run with Team RWB, our trail running group out at American Flag Ranch in Oracle.  We tried to get people interested to sign up for the race weekend and set this training run up for people to get a feel for the trails and see something new.  Only Kevin and I showed up.  We had a lot of fun though.  We went up to High Jinks ranch and explored the historic place and went on some new trails, some that intersect into Oracle State Park that the shorter distances and the 50 mile used.  We had a lot of fun.  On that trip we also set up our accommodations for the weekend at the Chalet Village Motel.  It is a quirky little place, an icon in Oracle with its white A frame buildings.  It wasn't the Ritz, but it was exactly what we needed.  The folks who run it are wonderful, very accommodating and friendly.  We also found a place to eat at for the Sunday following the race, the Sunnyside Up Cafe in Catalina.

We tried to do a 20 mile two weeks prior to race weekend, the weather had other plans.  So we tried again the week before--which isn't ideal, but it was what we had.  Kevin wasn't able to finish with me so he could do childcare duties and a hiking event with the youngest one with Cub Scouts.  He did 13.4 and I did 20.  I felt okay, but not really ready.

Race weekend comes.  Kevin is at work on Friday, I took the day off so I could pack the truck and all of our race gear.  As I was preparing to make all of nutrition bottles I saw that I would not have enough tailwind.  I didn't want to have to make a trip to Summit Hut especially since we were going there for packet pick up.  I rummaged through our house like some sort of drug addict looking for stashes of Tailwind mix in baggies or otherwise.  I found exactly enough!!  

I thought this to be a good sign for sure.  I got everything done and the house cleaned up and we were ready to go.  Kevin got home and helped out with gas and ice etc.  We brought Cecilia with us of course because she is such a big help following these events with our gear and just helping us out.  Bless her heart, we put her through a lot.  We packed a sleeping cot just in case we didn't get the room with two beds.

We headed out the door to go to packet pick up at Summit Hut.  On the way Kevin talked about how welcoming everyone is and they will see us, the world famous Trapps and we are just going to disappoint them.  We had been doing really well with hydrating and as soon as we got there we had to pee.  We saw there was a long line for the pick up so we knew we would be okay.

We got to the table and of course Matt was there to greet us and said, "The Trapps".  In my head I heard Kevin said here to disappoint you.  He asked us what race we were signed up for and Kevin said the 5K!!  Ha ha.  So we told him the 50K and how we were nervous about how we would do etc.  Matt has that kind of energy and charm that he could sell you an ice cube in Alaska.  We left all excited about life and the race, we bought more tailwind too.

In the car ride up there I told Kevin I don't think I packed enough beer.  I was really nervous.  Not about the beer, the race.  So we decided to stop at one of the circle Ks for beer and to go pee.  The bathroom was weird but it worked and we got the beer.  I asked if we could drive from the place to the entrance of Oracle State Park to see how long of a drive it would be.  We did and it was 5 min.  Perfect.  So we go to get all settled in at the room.

I mentioned previously that this is not the Ritz.  They cater to a lot of Arizona Trail through hikers and are very nice people.  The gal had her little nephew with her while she was doing maintenance on one of the other places.  A cute little guy full of curls and boots a little too big following her around.  It was cute.  It is very laid back and comfortable.  She let us into Room 1.  One bed.  Good thing we have the cot for Cecilia.  Her husband helped to get the heater lit.  Then the toilet wasn't really excited about being a toilet and flushing, so he fixed that too.  The TV was an old magnivox box type with an antenna.  It was all fine though because the alternative was camping.  We explained to Cecilia why were staying there because otherwise we would be waking up at 3am to drive to the start.  Later she asked if she should sleep in her clothes for such an early rise of 3am.  No Cecilia.

I realized an error in my ways, I brought stuff to make coffee in a microwave or whatnot and no 'whatnot' existed.  We also meant to pack our pillows.  Kevin suggested we can go to the Oracle Dollar store and see what we can find.

Let me tell you something.  The Oracle Dollar Store is the backbone of the town.  I have never seen so much stuff squished in one small place and you could get anything there.  About all of the town's population were there too.  We got two pillows, two pillow cases, a coffee pot, coffee and filters.  We were set, let's head home.  I think it is time for a beer.  Quite the event.

We got back to the room and had a couple of beers and watched some TV that tuned in out of Phoenix which was weird.  Then we headed for a walk to De Marco's a pizzeria type place for dinner.  It wasn't too busy which was nice and the staff is very nice.  I think it is family owned.  The young man who seated us has had a brain injury at some point from the scar and his delayed speech and concentrated movements.  It seems it was his Mom who served us, lovely place and the food was fantastic.  Which was a good thing as we planned to eat here both nights.  It was a very, very, very cold walk there and back, but the stars were breathtaking.

We got back to the room to set up our drop bags and our clothes for the morning.  

Here is how this all breaks down.

First is nutrition:

Our nutrition plan is a 'slurry' which is a mixture of 3 scoops Tailwind, 1 scoop branch chain amino acid and 1 scoop glutamine-an amino acid that breaks down in the intestine.  It is syrupy and we put it in a small gatorade bottle.  This bottle of mix will last us 8-10 miles.  We take a sip on the mile.  It is about 350 calories.  We also have a bottle of tailwind of 1 scoop diluted with more water then required to sip on in between to keep the nutrition tank topped off.  It is about 100 calories.

On the hour as close to it, we take a salt tab to replenish lost salts.

To survive the race, we start off with a full water bladder of 70 ounces, 1 bottle of slurry, 1 bottle tailwind and we have an extra bottle of slurry loaded in the pack.  We won't be able to resupply the slurry until mile 15.4.  We can refill the tailwind bottle at the aid station at mile 8.2, it is at this aid station we would swap out our slurry bottles.

At the aid station at Mountain View, it is 15.4 miles and we have a drop bag there we can access for anything we need.  For this bag we had 2 more bottles of slurry for each of us, a reserve tailwind and the other tailwind bottle would be filled at the aid station.  We also had our hiking poles.

There are 3 drop bags to set up, one for each of us that will be left at the start and be available at the finish.  It had our warm clothes we took off at the start and headlamps.  It also had a dry core layer to change into at the finish and to be able to put the warm clothes back on.  The third was the bag at Mountain View.

We brought 'duct tape' and a marker to mark the bags clearly.  Clearly our duct tape was an impostor because the sharpie wouldn't work on the tape.  No problem, we have coffee filters and zip lock bags.  Problem solved.  

We organized everything and put what we could in the truck so we could be up and out of the room in 30 minutes in the morning.

Kevin, Cecilia and I played a game I bought, thinking our tv selection would be slim.  It is called Pochino, it is Bingo and Poker mixed together.  The pair of them thought it was Pokemon.  Anyways we played the game and went to bed.  Sleep almost never comes the night before a race and this night was no exception.  When I did sleep it was of the uncertainty of the day ahead. I was worried we wouldn't make it.  The true fear of the unknown.  My dreams circled the clock.  Is it time to get up.  No.  I should sleep. I can't.  Did we do this? Do we have that? What is that noise? How can he sleep? Did Cecilia toot?

Alarms go off and coffee is started to brew. Let's get this day started.  Holy crap.

Kevin is in and out of the room getting things in the truck.  We are stumbling on one another getting ready and wow it is so cold out.  So cold.  I hope we will be okay.  It is 27 degrees.  We head out to the oracle state park, it is only open on the weekends so we couldn't check it out on Friday.  We park where they say to park and realize it is a long walk to the starting area.  Good thing we brought our headlamps and wow it is freezing.  We found someone's cell phone on the walk there.  Panic would consume me if I realized I dropped mine.

We get to the counter for picking up our timing chip.  As soon as we walk up Matt says, "good morning Trapps" and tells the person helping him our numbers, he didn't have to look, he knew!

We secure the timing chips and drop off our bag for mountain view.  We will now wait to board the bus that will take us the long journey to the start.  Did I mention it is so cold and we have our warm clothes on. Oh dear.

We load up on the bus, a school bus.  Seems as adults it is harder to fit into these seats with long legs and lots of layers.  We had decided we would eat on the bus since it was going to be at least an hour and half ride.  We knew they would have to go the longer route due to the recent rains we have had one of the areas was going to be too tough to go over with a bus.  One of those things you just have to be flexible with.  We tried to eat on the bus and we both were nauseous with nerves.  We listened to the chatter on the bus of people talking about the race, about past races, about experiences good and bad.  It was such a fun experience soaking it all in.  All this experience in one place.  All of us on a journey to unknowns and life changing moments.

We pile out of the bus and see there are 2 porta potties.  It was like a scattering of color into the bushes as people went to go pee or poo.  I had to do the latter so I kept my head down and went out far to take care of business.  I realized I forgot my ziplock for my tp.  It was awkward carrying it back, but, it is about the environment.  I got back to our spot where Kevin was changing and setting things up.  I didn't want to take my warm stuff off.  But, it has to be done.  It was pretty funny out there.  People trying to be warm hopping around.  I didn't want any energy wasted.  We decided on a long sleeve layer tied around our waist just in case.  I put it on.  I had on 3 long sleeve a short sleeve and a jacket.  Probably too much.  We had two buffs too one for the head, one for who knows.  Tourniquet, boogers, emergency tp.  We had gloves too.  I had on one long pair of tights, a biker pair of shorts which helps with chaffing and a run skirt to hold my race number.

Matt had announced that they had extra gloves if anyone wanted a pair.  He also announced a black cell phone was turned in and a guy calmly came up and claimed it--2 hours after we turned it in.  There were several in just shorts.  I said you must be fast to be in shorts, most said, no, just crazy.  We recently read that if someone says you are crazy in regards to running, it is a compliment.  One guy said, these are my winter shorts, you don't want to see my summer ones, by the way, they were the super short silky kind.  He went on to take 3rd place in the 50 mile.  Shorts=Fast.  I am three layers away from fast!!

The time came for us to line up for the start.  There wasn't but about a hundred of us out there.  Which is weird and good about trails.  Weird because we are used to big crowds and can blend in.  Good because too many people is overwhelming.  Matt tells the crowd there is a cattle grate 1/4 mile down the road and to not fall or get injured because you would have to ride back with him and it would be a long ride of shaming the whole way.  Ha ha.  I hate cattle grates by the way and this was the mother of all grates.  Gun goes off, watches and phones started, no turning back now.  It is 7:40, 40 minutes later than expected but, shit happens.

We started off and I can't feel my toes or my fingers at all.  It was so dang cold.  I could feel there was some sort of issue with a shoe.

Kevin said earlier in the week that under no circumstances can extra curricular incidents happen, we don't have the time for them.  Here I am 1/4 miles (just past the cattle grate) in with a shoe issue.  Crap.  I stop and loosen it but my fingers are so numb I can't figure it out to tuck it away and I decide to just let it go.  Everyone passed us by now and we are in last place. I don't want to make Kevin mad so early.  We take off and flop, flop, flop.  It is so loose it could be a damn flip flop.  Crap.  So I stop, again, and tighten and decide if it is too tight I will just lose my foot.

We carry on.  Great.  Now I am hot.  Like a suana.  I decide that I will remove layers and run.  I can do that.  I can't do that.  I drop a glove, I can't unzip.  Really, not even a mile in.  I am sure Kevin is looking for a ravine to push me over.  He said it jokingly (or maybe not) we should just run our own pace.  I am sure he thought he should just run away from me, but, being the amazing husband he is, he didn't and he wrapped my jacket around him and tucked my gloves away.

Okay, we are off for real.  We started in the back because we are many layers away from fast.  We passed a few people who all but two dropped out.  We were cruising along, our pace was great.  We are going to do great.  We needed to have a big cushion in this first 12 miles for the great climb over the following 15.  Everything was going fine except for one thing.

My stomach.  Not only was I having diarrhea issues, I was dry heaving.  To the point I puked.  I wasn't staying on top of my nutrition because I was nauseous and when I would try to force it down it would come up.  This is a bad place to be in at 5-7 miles.  It is too early for this nonsense.

During this stretch I did something I am not proud of.  Kevin and I have been together for 8 years.  I have never raised my voice to him.  But this time I did. This is my perspective.  I asked if it was salt tab time and he said no, but if I need it I should take it.  Oh okay.  I am going to wait until I get to a good spot to manage the little container without dropping it or tripping.  But, he kept asking me and telling me, take the salt tabs.  Salt tabs.  Salt tabs time.  Like a fly buzzing around, he was relentless.  So I shouted at him, "I AM TAKING THEM, KEVIN".  Then I took them and he promptly gave me an applesauce to eat.  I can stomach those always and packed 4 in mine and 4 in his.  Clearly I was in a bad place.  Now, I will tell you this from his perspective.

She said, it is salt tab time and I said it is going to be a few minutes.  She said, no it is time now.  I said, no it is going to be a few minutes but if you want to take some now you can. Then she was stomping off like a hangry, sleepy 5 year old clenching her fists.  And I said salt tabs.  No response from her. I waited a couple seconds and I said take your salt tabs, no response.  Then a couple more seconds and I whispered "salt tabs" and it pushed her over the edge.  She yelled. "I AM KEVIN" and she continued to stomp like an angry 5 year old making no effort to take her salt tabs.  After a few more moments of not taking her salt tabs, I told her to hang on a second and I took an applesauce from her pack without saying a word and she snatched it out my hand furiously.  A few minutes later she took her salt tabs.  Thirty minutes later she apologized for being mad at me.

Trail running builds marriages.

I had packed in our stuff Imodium and decided at the aid station I would take it to slow this monster down.  I have on occasion diarrhea issues, but I never puke.  That is Kevin's thing, he is the puker.  So we get into the aid station, Kevin went ahead of me and filled our tailwind and we swapped over the slurry as planned.  Michelle Hawk was there who is the race director and has been so supportive us the whole way through.  I felt bad I wasn't as excited to see her.  We had lost our momentum that we needed so badly.  I drank some ginger ale and she said I should try a ginger chew which I have seen but never tried.  I thought why not.  I can't run right now and I need to.  The pain in my bottom was like trying to hold in a bowling ball that was putting tremendous pressure on the exit.

We headed back out and after some time about a mile it let up enough for me to continue to run.  However, the damage was done with that period of nutrition breakdown.  It set me up for depletion later.  So, I am going to buy these ginger chews and just take Imodium when we head out to run.  It worked.  We were running as much downhill we could, and hiking the uphills which were relentless.  I reminded myself with each mile to be in the mile you are in and focus on getting to the top.  I asked how much further is Mountain View and just focused on each mile is closer to having the sticks to help power up these hills.  We can pull this together.  We have time.  We are strong.  Refer to life lessons above. I am pretty sure we were running downhill and I was doing math.

Before pulling into Mountain View Kevin asked me a question.  He said you don't have to answer now, but give it some thought.  Uh oh.  He said we are probably not going to make the time cut off.  I will support you either way if you want to continue or stop.  You don't have to answer it now.  I took some time to think about it and told him, I want to at least try.  Keeping in mind the next 12 miles are very remote and nobody could come save us.  We knew the odds of making it were slim to none, but we are not quitters and we should at least try.  We didn't do all of the training and planning to let it go.  If it turns out we don't make it, we would know forever that we tried and we would know the course if we decide to do it again.  I made the decision in my mind and heart to continue and told him we should.  My legs and lungs however were not on board.

We get into Mountain View and it is like a family reunion.  Every is all happy and cheery.  Hello Trapps.  How are you? What do you need?  Which bag is yours? 

I get to our bag and unhook the sticks and work to get the cold packed slurry and tailwinds out.  We are talking to them about our concerns on making the cut off.  They are all supportive and uplifting telling us we will make it.  You got this.  Very motivating.  We tell them who is behind us to keep an eye out for.  The girl in blue passed up at the first aide station and we never saw her again except at the finish.  The girl in pink was behind us.  The older lady caught up to us but we didn't see her again, she went ahead of us.  We passed 3 people at the start that sounded like they were from out of town.  One of them, the guy passed us up after the aide station.  The other two we didn't know or see them again.  There was a lady sitting by the heater, she had given up there.  We are alternating filling up our water bladders and getting everything situated.  I get the ziplock bags to get some real food for the next 12 miles we will be on our own and need all the strength and nutrition we can get in our body. The gal at the aid station had to help open the ziplocks, it was beyond my skill set to figure that out. I may still be out there if she didn't help me. My selection was a 1/4 piece of a turkey deli meat sandwich, a 1/4 piece of a peanut butter and apricot sandwich, a pickle, some boiled potatoes with salt that I sprinkled on them and some coca-cola.  Kevin's selection, chips, pretzels, oreos and 2 honey peanut butter sandwichs.  We gathered everything and were full of high hopes and spirits.  The next 12 miles won't be easy, but we have our sticks and we will be okay.  It was the Coke talking clearly.  By the way, I took one bite of the peanut butter sandwich, one bite of the deli sandwich.  The pickle.  One bite of potato that I clearly should not have been in charge of putting salt on.  Oh dear Lord.  Because of the optimism of the aid crew and the high hopes they had for us, it made Kevin question his math and believe we could make it.

We decided we should text Cecilia when we get to the top of a hill for better reception.  I text her, "We just made it through Mtn view aide station, we are 11 miles from the cut off.  Don't think we will make it.  We have to be there by 3:40 and it will take us longer.  Not sure they will let us finish."  She replied, "I think you guys can make it.  I believe in you guys."  Herein lies the great delusion I had for a very long time.  The thought that they will let us continue if we come in past the cut-off.

I thought that well, Michelle is super nice and it is the race directors final decision on a DNF.  I thought well, the Mountain View Aid station saw us and we looked strong leaving so that is promising.  I thought we would be maybe 20 min past the time.  I thought we would be somehow magnificently faster in these last 12 miles then we were all day.  Somehow magically faster.  I thought I could make a deal with them that next year we will volunteer for anything, the worst job if they just let us finish.  We would be cutting it close so it would be fine.  Right? Right?  I held on tightly to this delusion for a long time.

We had 4 hours to go 12 miles.  In a normal world that would be fine.  In this race with depletion and exhaustion settled into our bodies like a long winters nap, not even possible.  I was already starting to wheeze.  But I held onto the fact we would make it.  I would pull the elevation chart and say we have a nice downhill coming, let's make the most of it.  There were times I would pull it out and Kevin would say don't look at it, it will make you mad.  One time I said, maybe we should put away the sticks.  Foolishness.  And we would shuffle and come to a crawl at the hill where I would have to pause to wheeze and catch my breath.  I ordinarily struggle with my lungs. It is my own personal meter of whether I pushed myself hard enough if I couldn't breath right afterwards and sounded like I smoked a ton of cigarettes.  Not very often, hardly ever has it happened in a race.  This time, it was bad.  I was worried, but had to keep pressing forward.  It is glaringly obvious how far out in the middle of nowhere we are.

We played this game of push hard up the hill until I couldn't and we would rest and start again.  My legs were appendages from my body with muscles replaced with jelly.  Not the good kind you get at cracker barrel, the cheap crap.  They just had nothing in them.  My sunny attitude was fading fast.  After some time we heard voices behind us.  I was excited to hear voices other then my own.  Kevin was in his own struggles and reminding us for slurry, salt tabs, tailwind, water.  But, then we realized it was the sweepers.

The sweepers.  We knew we were going to be with the sweepers most likely.  But, it was seeing them that sealed the deal that we were not going to make it.  We talked to them some and asked do you think they will let us go on and they said doubtful, but they have no bearing on if we do.  I thought for awhile, if they see we are doing well and we are strong we can still finish.  Oh the lies we tell ourselves.

We were going along listening to their conversation behind us and I would have to stop to clear the cement in my chest.  They would stop at a distance behind us, ask if we needed anything etc.  Unknown to them, Kevin ran out of water.  We filled our bladders full at the aid station, but he had the slurry bottle and tailwind in his pack so it compressed his bladder more then he thought and so he left with less then 70 oz.  Had we been under our normal pace and strength it would have been plenty.  We decided to ration mine when his was done.  We are pretty independent and stupid stubborn sometimes.  Ask us about Pusch Ridge hike in August....

It was the moment that one of the sweepers said, "you have a gps right and know you are 4 miles out and know about the cut-off right?".  Yes.  Yes we know.

I started to cry.

I don't usually allow myself to crumble.  But, I did.  I was hiking throwing one lousy step in front of the other, gasping for air and crying.  It was pathetic and I couldn't stop it.  It was clear that we wouldn't have any chance of finishing because we had no more daylight to get us there.  We had our phones, but the headlamp is in the drop bag at the start.  There is in no right mind a race director would allow depleted competitors continue without light.  The liability risk is too high.  I knew that.  How stupid was I to think different.  Denial is strong with this one Yoda!!

Kevin.  My amazing and strong husband.  Held me close, fed me an applesauce and said, "I know how disappointing this is, but you have to stay strong for me now sweetheart.  Please.  I need you to be strong."  I sucked down the applesauce as I tried to suck down my pride.  I was just so stuck in this circle of shit.  I regretted every morning I hit the snooze and didn't get out to do hill repeats.  I regretted not making a race plan like I should have and held us to it.  I regretted falling apart.  I regretted not being strong.  I regretted not being a thin and lean athlete like all those other girls.  I regretted ever running at all.  I said to myself, I AM NEVER RUNNING AGAIN.  I said out loud, WE ARE NEVER DOING THIS RACE AGAIN.  It was dark in my soul.  A dark, dark place.

We kept moving forward.  Down to that stupid wash and back out again.  Down and out.  At one point you could see Tiger Mine, but we would climb, go down and climb again.  Each time we climbed out, I was in tears again.  I stopped at one point and rested on my faithful sticks, Fred and Ginger and cried, "I am so tired.".  The Tiger Mine was so far away.  We had a mile or mile and half to go.  One of the sweepers said, meaning no harm, it is almost 5 I am going to just run up ahead to let them know where we are at.  Cell phone signals suck out there in purgatory.  I felt like shit I was holding them up and causing him to go ahead.  I have never been so low and had to move forward before in my life.  I refused to sit down and give in.  That was not an option.

Kevin is constantly and patiently moving me forward.  I do know what is at stake.  As raw and emotionally and physically crumbled as I was, I knew we had to keep moving forward--relentless forward progress as they say.

Eventually we were on the final hill to the end.  We were both out of water.  Out of time.  Out of everything.  I could hear the bells and the cheering and I couldn't lift my head from shame to meet their eyes and express how happy I was to see them.  I made that step over the gate out of the Arizona Trail into a hug from Michelle Hawk.  I was happy to be done and so devastated we couldn't do this.  We gave every single ounce of ourselves, everything and it wasn't enough.

Kevin and I hugged each other and I cried more if tears came out at all from lack of water.  It was our finish of this race and we were done.  We went and got water.  We drank two bottles down and refilled another and drank half.  Kristy asked if I was okay, she heard I was having stomach issues.  I said I am fine, just devastated we couldn't do this.  Michelle told us that we should be incredibly proud of what we accomplished and gave us some great pep talk.  About how we are a role model to our kids and so many others.  So many people wouldn't even attempt to do what we do.  20% of the 50K participants didn't even show up.  A ton of the 50 mile, dropped to the 50K.  It is not an easy course at all.  The fact we chose to continue when faced with an opportunity to quit speaks loudly of us.  She is proud of us and amazed by us.  Kevin said a lot of this to me as I cried on the way there, but coming from her, it meant so much.  I had panicked about this race for months and sent her messages with questions etc.  She is a gift to our trail running community and I am honored she is my friend.  

She called Matt who said Cecilia was okay.  Cecilia had sent a lot of panicked messages whether we were alive or not.  I felt bad she stayed there all day waiting for us.  She is a saint in helping us at the end of this stuff.  She gave Cecilia a race shirt too for her help at the finish area and for being there for us.

These are the final stats.

Kristy gave us a ride to the finish--literally the easiest part of the race is after Tiger Mine, and we couldn't do it.  We will though, we need closure.  As I got in the car I had a cramp from my big toe go all the way up to my hip.  Yeah, it was nuts.  I stretched it out and tried again.  She was so happy to see us.  She reads the blogs and she said she is a big fan of the Trapps, warmed my heart.  She was so kind.  She said, if we need to stop so you can stretch, you let me know.  It made me laugh because I thought of a Designated Driver who tells their drunk friends, let me know if I need to pull over for you to puke.  Ah, the toils of ultra support crews.

We pulled in and parked and made the walk of shame.  We walked past the finish line.  I couldn't help but cry.  Not us, not today.  No flag run in.  No finish photo.  None of it.  No horseshoe.

Cecilia was there and I just hugged her and cried more.  She was there at my first ultra attempt for the Elephant Mountain 50K, I missed the cutoff by 8 min, 8 min where I sat on a rock and cried I couldn't do this anymore.  I was alone, I failed on nutrition epically, I had silicone on my shoes to keep sand out--it was a mess.  I have learned more then I thought possible since then.  She was there at the end I cried and cried there too.  She was more thankful we were okay and alive.  We joked that at dinner the night before it was our last supper, she thought it may have been.

We walked in and Matt gave us a hug and said you did your best, you will get this next year.  Troy from Summit Hut gave us a hug and said sorry you didn't make it, he heard how hard it was that Andrew from Summit Hut dropped down to the 50K even.  Andrew is a phenomenal athlete as is Troy so that gave us comfort too.  Everyone I talked to had the same sentiment that you did awesome and be proud of that.  Finishers for the 50 mile were coming in and we cheered them on.  I changed into dry clothes as I was a frozen block with not moving for awhile.  Kevin, my amazing husband went to go get the truck so we could go.  When he got back he talked to Matt about his very serious suggestions for next year.  1--bridges of Pineal County to just go from mountain to mountain in those washes, it could be a movie and 2--route the trails around the mountains vs the up the mountain, several opportunities missed.  He agreed and they will all be in place for next year.

We got some of the amazing cheese quesadillas, I got some soup too and just tried to reset my shit button and celebrate what is good here.  So many people came here to these hills and presented themselves an obstacle and they had a choice in how to approach it.  With balls to wall, hold no prisoners, attack and get it done to, lets see what happens--either I continue or I quit. We didn't quit and I am proud of us for that.  We tried to do it and came up short, but, really, we did the hardest part of the whole thing and we are ultra runners.

We headed out and said our good byes, did some photos and climbed in the car.  We had to figure out dinner, which I couldn't decide what I wanted so I ordered the same as the night before.  Cecilia thought they had hot chocolate there and that was all I really wanted.  They didn't so we got some from the Circle K, it was heavenly.  We got back to the Chalet....and Kevin opted to do a shower in the cold bathroom first then I followed.  It was a nice and hot shower which is all that mattered.  I had hoped the steam would help my lungs.  I was still struggling to breathe.  I tried to eat afterwards and I just didn't have the energy for it.  I tried.  We watched "I dream of Genie" and went to bed.  Well, Cecilia and Kevin did.

I couldn't get in a position that didn't make me cough to where I peed my pants or wheezed and sounded like I swallowed a kazoo or dog toy.  I tried to sleep upright, on my side, sitting at the edge of the bed.  It was awful.  Every move shook the bed and I felt bad for keeping Kevin awake. He was snoring and I nudged him to move and he said was I snoring, I was dreaming of fajitas.  It was dumb.  I eventually was able to lay on my side propped up and that helped.  I slept for about 2-3 hours total.  I woke up hungry and just wanting to get the day going and put this behind us.

We thanked our lovely hosts and headed for breakfast at the Sunny Side Up cafe where we had a great breakfast and recounted the events of the race and how we are going to come back with a vengeance.  We are making training plans and where we will train and how.  This time next year, we will be finishers and not DNFers!!

We taped our race numbers to the bathroom mirror as motivators to beat this next year.  When I had taken mine off I crumpled it up and threw it in a corner.  Looks rough, but it means something now.

Nobody who experiences a DNF should walk away feeling like a loser.  Showing up and toeing the line is more then anyone would ever think you would do.  It is not easy being an ultra runner, a trail runner, a runner, an athlete.  It takes courage, determination, grit and humility to come out a winner in your own heart.  We are not elite, we won't be.  I am 44 and in pre-menopause with the metabolism of a sloth and I am overweight without a way to somehow make it speed up or go away... and Kevin is 48 with chronic back problems.  What we are is heroes to our kids and idols to one another.  If we inspire one person to get up, lace up their shoes and head out the door just to see what happens, we accomplished something.  If we get just one person to want to run a trail vs hike it and experience what we do, then we will continue what we do.  We are not in this for us.  We are in this for our future and for others.

In one week, on the 8th of February at 1200 pm at Catalina State Park we are doing a 24 hour trail run/hike/crawl in remembrance of Kevin's son Benjamin who died when he was 3 1/2 years old from brain cancer.  It is the 10th Anniversary of his death and the reason Kevin got into running with me in the first place.  Our first overnight date involved a 10K the next day--should have been a sign for him, lol.  The event is called Through Darkness There is Light; 10 years after losing him, it hasn't gotten easier, just a new level of coping.  Our middle son is doing the Bataan Death March with us in March, I am rucking with a 40lb pack and Kevin and Matthew who is 10 are walking it with me for a marathon distance (26.2 miles).  It is Matthew's 1st marathon.  It is our family and why we do this.  I ask of you, why do you do this?  Who's hero are you and if you don't say yourself first, look at the mirror and ask how can I make that happen.  Until next Rumble....The World Famous Trapps....the super slow ultra runners.....the Chicago Cubs of ultra running, in 108 years--we got a win in us.